May I introduce Howard D Doyle of Doyle Oil
I'm goddamn pleased to meet you
Marylin here, she says you're the best Says you're aces
Well, thank you, Mr, uh...
Uh, any... any relation to John D Doyle of Doyle Oil?
Oh, you must be talkin' about Grandpa John My papa's John D too
The Deuce, we called him You know, kinda the rebel of the family
But they knocked off that wholeJohn D routine when they christened Yours Truly
Grandpa nearly had a stroke
He did have a stroke, but that was later, during the labor activity in '52
The government stepped in Mm-hmm Uh...
They called it mediation Well...
He called it incipient communism
Of course, that's when he had his stroke
Golly, the whole left side of his body is as useless as tits on a boar hog
He lingered in a vegetative state for years... Well, that is fascinating, Mr Doyle
What say we have a seat? A seat?
Marylin's had me runnin' up and down Rodeo Drive all day long
Kinda hit-and-run shoppin', you know Take no prisoners
Forced march kind of thing My God, my dogs are barkin'
We started out at this li'I ol' place right off of Wilshire... It's been quite a day
Had pewter things
But anyway, Miles, I know you're busy and you charge by the hour, so I'll get straight to the point
Howard D and I are planning to marry
Well...
Well, I suppose that congratulations are in order Well, thank you, Miles
You know, the urge to wedlock and form a lastin'monogamous bond sanctified by ritual, it's pert-near universal
As a matter of fact, it might be of some interest to you, bein'in a related business...
Even your indigenous Americans... Uh, I believe it was your Cree... used to...
Howard and I are here because I've learned, through bitter experience,
that when it comes to matrimony and law, you are the very best
And as you are well aware, my previous marriage
ended in an unjustified stain
upon my reputation
My motives were impugned
I was slandered in court
I was painted a harlot
Oh, honey, you ain't no harlot
Oh, yes, honey
So it's my desire to remove any trace of suspicion
from the mind of my dear Howard Doyle
Oh, honey, come on, now
I wish to execute a prenuptial agreement
And I'm dead-set against it I mean, just anti the whole deal
Howard's lawyers prefer it
I insist upon it
Oh, damn lawyers Uh, no offense to the present company or anything, you know
Now, is it my understanding that the Massey prenup has never been penetrated?
That is correct
Not to blow my own horn, but they devote an entire semester to it at Harvard Law
They got a hell of a school up there, ain't no doubt about it
We donated that Doyle building up there here a while back Mm-hmm
Now, I myself went to Texas A&M I'm an Aggie
- Business? - Tight end
And I had a fair amount of success against the split-T defense
See, when they line up symmetrical thataway,
it allows me to buttonhook and, you know, do a down-and-in, up-and-out and different things...
post pattern every now and then
Your tight ends don't generally run a post
But if the QB calls it, hell, I'm ready
Interrupt for a second? Yeah
I wanna make sure that you both understand what it is you're asking
The Massey prenup provides that in the event of a dissolution of the marriage,
for any reason,
both parties will leave it with what they brought in and earned during
No one can profit from the marriage
The prenup protects the wealthier party
Without it, that party is exposed, a sitting duck
Not a hell of a lot of romance in that
No, sir, there is not No romance
More to the point, no wriggle room
So, are we sure
that this is what we want?
Absolutely
It's my gift to Howard,
for his peace of mind,
whether or not he's worried about it at this moment
Oh, honey pie, do I look worried?
Excuse me, Mr Doyle
Could I just borrow your charming fiancée for a moment?
Well, okay You gon' leave a deposit?
What are you up to?
Something you won't understand, Miles
Howard and I are very much in love
I don't know what you're thinking, but I have to warn you, the Massey prenup has never been penetrated
You sign the prenup, you can't get his money
Thanks for the professional help
Marylin, think of me for a moment
not as an attorney but as a friend
Does that mean you won't be charging us for the hour?
Dump him You can't nail his ass
Is that all?
No, that's not all
I could have you disbarred for that
It was worth it
A romantic divorce attorney
You fascinate me
I'll get right on it I'll whip something up
All right Thank you
How's Lionel? He's fine
He asked me to deliver the keynote address at this year's convention in Vegas
That's quite an honor
I suppose On top of a great victory
What was that?
"What was that"?
Um, Rex Rexroth?
He kept everything? You win? No compromise? Isn't that what you wanted?
Oh, good God, Miles What are you looking for?
I don't know
Okay, I won
What then?
How many cases has Herb Myerson won?
The old man? More than anybody He's a legend And look at him
He's 87 years old, he's the first one into the office in the morning
- No home life - Who needs a home when you have a colostomy bag?
She can't really love this dope, can she?
Who? Uh, who loves who?
Marylin Rexroth
She signed a prenup for an oil millionaire
A Massey prenup?
Yeah
Well, then she is not after his money
Only love is in mind if the Massey is signed
April
Come she will
When streams are ripe and swelled with rain
Nay, she will stay
A- resting in my arms again
What the hell's wrong with you?
April
Come she will
Thank you for coming to this celebration
of the love between our two friends, Marylin and Howard
In today's cynical world,
it's so hard to take that great leap of faith
aboard the ship of love and caring
But today Marylin and Howard are taking that leap
and telling us, their friends,
that they do believe, that they do have faith,
that they do love
Do you, Howard Drexler Doyle,
take Marylin to be your shipmate on this journey through life,
through gale and doldrum, seas choppy, wild and calm?
Yes, I do, Father Scott
And do you, Marylin Rexroth, take Howard to be your shipmate and companion
to ports of every clime,
Be it in first class or steerage?
I do
Then, by the power vested in me by the State of California,
and as captain of the good ship Amore Veritas,
I now pronounce you man and wife
What do you think?
- What are they, ladles? - Berry spoons
Spoons? Berry spoons
Everybody has spoons And nobody needs berry spoons
Everybody eats berries Who are you, Pollyanna?
Hey, everybody! Folks! Hey, y'all! Where'd you see 'em at?
A Martha Stewart catalog right next to the silver napkin rings?
I need your attention for a minute Stadium seat ass-warmers?
Dear God, Wrigley, how many cockamamie personal possessions do we have to amass...
Why so angry?
Now, I know it's not common practice for the groom to give his bride a gift on their weddin' day,
but ever since I met Marylin there
I can't seem to quit givin' her things
- And I don't wanna stop 'cause it feels so durn good!
Chow Sing, bring that barbecue sauce over here, little buddy
There you go
Put that thing on my neck now
Now, honey, it's like the padre said
I want love and trust between us
Love and trust and not a thing else
And this here deed that I'm fixin' to perform...
Well, honey, let me just, uh...
You see this?
This is for you, darlin;
This here is for you
This here is for you, baby
Ever'last little speck of it
I love you
I mean, I love you like a son of a bitch!
I trust you!
This here is for you, baby Brilliant!
Baby, this is for you
What is it? I really love you
It's the prenup
I love her!
I trust her!
Ladies and gentlemen, It's the prenup!
I trust her! Brilliant!
You look beautiful
Ladies, if you'll excuse us
We have to talk
I would like to offer my congratulations
It was a beautiful gesture of Howard's
Well, Howard is a beautiful person
A diamond in the rough
And I have a feeling that someday soon
you'll be taking that diamond and leaving the rough
In a month or so, once I've established that I've tried to make the marriage work
May I offer my services? Oh, thanks
But no
No, I'm retaining Freddy Bender
Poor Freddy He was awfully blue after my last divorce
Well, I admire your loyalty
To lawyers, anyway
I guess without the prenup it's something even Freddy could manage
But how did you get Howard to do it?
It felt like it was his idea
Surely, Mr Massey, you've addressed enough juries
to appreciate the power of suggestion
Mmm
Wish I was a Kellogg's Corn Flake
Look, now that the marriage is winding down,
have dinner with me
No
No, nothing doing until the ink is dry on the settlement
Oh, this'll be no settlement
If I know Marylin Rexroth, this'll be nothing short of a complete and total
annihilation
You're gonna win Excuse me?
I can always tell, going to Vegas, who's gonna win
Well, thanks, but I'm going on business
I always win
Yeah
You know why I hate this town, Wrigley?
You see, people get to Las Vegas, and all of a sudden, the rules of the moral universe don't apply
When God is dead, all things are possible
I saw an ad in the paper:
"No-fault divorce... two-week divorce without a lawyer"
Made me sick to my stomach "No-fault divorce"
Good God Talk about your oxymoron
What's the world comin' to? One man can only do so much
One man... What are you talkin' about?
- Freddy - I had lunch with Freddy Bender yesterday
He tells me that Marylin Rexroth-Doyle is now richer than Croesus
Ah, yes, but is she richer than Mrs Croesus?
She could buy and sell you 10 times over She...
- My God, is that her? - Mmm
Freddy said she was flying in with him Celebrating, I guess
I'm fascinated by that creature Richer than me, huh?
Well, she deserves every penny
And now she's single again Excuse me
No You should stay away from her, Miles
Recite your keynote address Take a cold shower
You're looking well, Marylin Hello, Miles
Obscene wealth becomes you
I should've known you'd be here Be here?
I'm the keynote speaker Oh, how nice for you
"Nailing Your Spouse's Assets" Excuse me?
My speech Oh!
Oh, I'm sure you'll bring the house down
It's an easy crowd
At this point, I would think you're probably the only person that I can't teach anything to
Really? Mmm
Now, correct me, but since by now the ink must be dry,
I believe I have the right to collect
On? You promised to have dinner with me once you were free
I said I wouldn't whilst I wasn't, which implies no promise once I am
Noted Let me rephrase
I would be delighted... honored, really... if you'd...
Howard! Ow! Howard!
Howard!
You named him after your ex I'm sentimental
Well, I'm free this evening, so I suppose a little dinner would do no harm
Le Veuve Clicquot Ponsardin, 1990, sir
Yes Thank you I'll take care of it
Marylin, this is a moment to savor
Yes, we were adversaries,
but we were also professionals
So let us raise a glass to friendship
To victory
So, how does it feel?
Sorry? Victory Independence
Oh, um...
- Well, frankly, Miles... - It's not everything you'd hoped for?
I know the feeling
Independence Two-edged sword
My friend... My best friend... Sarah Sorkin?
Sarah Battista-O'Flanagan-Sorkin?
The O'Flanagan settlement?
- Ahh - Hmm
- Huh - Anyway, three fine settlements
More money than she could ever hope to spend
Yes Her vaunted independence
Don't tell me She sits around the house, afraid to see people, afraid to put her portfolio into play
And only a peptic ulcer to keep her warm at night
Yes
There's a certain point when you've achieved your goals
You realize that you're still not satisfied
Yes
We should order
You know, I'm not really hungry
Neither am I
Shh
1,800 billable hours
1,221 motions to void
564 summary judgments
129,999 lunches charged
Hello?
Miles? Hello? Marylin?
Sarah Sorkin just died!
Marylin!
Her ulcer
perforated
Infection Yes
Miles? Yes, Marylin?
She was alone
She'd been dead for two days before her Pilates instructor found her
Marylin, listen to me
No arguments No discussions I'll have Wrigley meet us at the Wee Kirk o' the Heather
- Wrigley! - The vows are from an Arapaho dawn greeting ceremony
The music is Simon and Garfunkel And this is the Massey prenup
You the two gettin' married? - Mr MacKinnon here will be officiating
Sorry Short notice Pen
Marylin, you're welcome to examine this
This is the Massey prenup
As you know, it's ironclad We tried to reach Freddy Bender
We tried to reach Freddy, to have him here for your protection, but we couldn't find him I couldn't get him
Are you two here to get married or to bullshit?
- So you can't hope to benefit from the marriage? - Not in any way
And my wealth is completely... completely protected?
As if a lead veil had been drawn across it
Do you still want to marry me? More than ever
Are ya rentin' kilts?
Do you, Miles Longfellow Massey,
of Massey, Myerson, Sloan and Gurolnick, LLP,
take Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle to be your lawful wedded wife?
I do Yes I do I do
Let me finish Jesus, have you never been married before?
To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?
I do
And do you, Marylin Hamilton-Rexroth-Doyle,
take Miles Longfellow Massey to be your lawful wedded husband,
to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?
- I do - I now pronounce you man and wife
I'll take care of you later
No, no, no, no, no No This is all wrong Wha...
Is it the kilt?
Do you love me? More than anything
Can I trust you? Yes You can trust me
Darling, you're exposed
A sitting duck
I hereby declare the 12th Congress of the National Organization
- of Matrimonial Attorneys Nationwide open
As our first order of business, it is a privilege to call to the podium our keynote speaker
From the Los Angeles firm of Massey, Myerson, Sloan and Gurolnick,
a man whose name is synonymous with bitter disputes and big awards,
Miles Massey
Thank you, Branco
In the world of...
In the world of matrimonial law, there are...
In the world of matrimonial law, there are multiple tactics...
Friends,
this morning I stand before you a very different Miles Massey
than the one that addressed you last year
on the disposition of marital assets following murder/suicide
I wish to talk to you today not about technical matters oflaw
I wish to talk to you about something more important
I wish to talk to you from the heart
because today for the first time in my life,
I stand before you naked
vulnerable
And in love
Love
It's a word we matrimonial lawyers avoid
Funny, isn't it? We're frightened of this emotion, which is, in a sense,
the seed of our livelihood
Well, today Miles Massey is here to tell you
that love need cause us no fear
Love need cause us no shame
Love is
good
Love is good
I am, of course, aware that these remarks will be received here with cynicism
Cynicism, that cloak that advertises our indifference
and hides all human feeling
Well, I'm here to tell you that that cynicism which we think protects us
in fact destroys
Destroys love, destroys our clients,
and, ultimately, destroys ourselves
Colleagues, when our clients come to us confused and angry and hurting
because their flame of love is guttering and threatens to die,
do we seek to extinguish that flame so that we can sift
through the smoldering wreckage for our paltry reward,
or do we fan this precious flame,
this most precious flame, back into loving, roaring life?
Do we counsel fear or trust?
Do we seek to destroy or build?
Do we meet our clients'problems with cynicism
or with love?
The choice is, of course, each of ours
For my part, I've made the leap of love, and there's no going back
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the last time I will address you
as the president of NOMAN... or as a member
I intend to devote myself to pro bono work in East Los Angeles
or one of those other...
God bless you all
I love you, man
So, Wrigley, I'm gonna be relinquishing my partnership in Massey, Myerson
If you'd care to join me in my new endeavor, I'd be delighted
Of course, I can't offer you the same kind of financial remuneration you've grown accustomed to,
but the work'll have to serve as its own reward
Barkeep, we'll have two of your finest scotches That's the, uh...
- I propose a toast Barkeep! - That's... That's the soap that used to belong to, uh...
Now, you'll be serving in a junior capacity, of course Donovan Donaly
- Miles, that's, uh... that's, uh... uh... - It'll be a small operation, a boutique
Let me tell you what they called me in medical school
The... I don't see why my leadership skills should...
Howard? Mackenzie the Mechanical Marvel
It's Howard You see, I have no nerves
He's not an oil tycoon An actor
Doctor, this is highly unusual
So Marylin married a soap actor
So she's...she's poor
Get yourself some clean scrubs and have them prepare the OR
- Well, thank God you have the prenup - I have no prenup
- You have no prenup - I have no prenup
You have no prenup
Thanks
Okay
- Marylin? - Oh, hello, Miles
- Going back to LA? - Yes
Look, Miles, I think it's only fair to warn you that after a decent interval,
I intend to have Freddy seek an injunction
that would forbid you to approach within 500 feet of my house
You mean, my house Oh, I believe the residence will be part of the settlement
Marylin, didn't last night mean anything to you?
Oh Well, about as much as it'll mean to you... half of your net worth
Oh, Miles, you'll always be my favorite husband
But no more sentiment, darling
I really have to be going
The dog's rented
You didn't win
Excuse me?
I can always tell, comin' back from Vegas, who didn't win
You're right
But
you're going through with it?
Yes
I just felt so sorry for him for a minute there
At the preliminary hearing, he just looked so beaten
Well, he was beaten, fair and square I know, but...
Oh, their pathetic look
It's what they all fall back on when they don't have a prenup
Just stay strong until the divorce is final
Relax and enjoy your pool
Do you think he's eating enough? Marylin!
This woman has humbled,
Shamed and disgraced the entire firm
- Yes, Herb - Counselor
this firm deals in power
This firm deals in perception
This firm cannot prosper
nor long endure if it is perceived to be
dancing to the music of a hurdy-gurdy!
It's just...
Herb, for the first time in my career,
I don't know what to do
I'm a patsy I'm a sittin' duck I'm lost
Lost?
I'll tell you what you can do You can act like a man
And let me tell you something, smart guy
You thought you had it all figured out
Trust Marriage
All your goddamn love, love, love!
Now, you listen to me I'm gonna talk to you about the goddamn law
We serve the law!
We honor the law!
And sometimes, Counselor, we obey the law
But, Counselor,
This is not one of those times
Are you WheezyJoe?
Which of youse is Smith?
Well, uh, we're here representing Mr Smith
on a matter of some delicacy
- Who's the pigeon? - The what?
- Who you want me to kill? - Yes Well, we would like you...
Mr Smith would like you to neutralize...
terminate... render unto a state of...
so that she isn't so much, uh... uh...
- Breathing - Yes A business associate
by the name of Marylin Rexroth-Doyle-Massey... Smith... Massey
Is that one person?
I have some photos here
of Miss Rexroth, and, um, that's the address that she's staying at
That is Mr Smith's address... Massey's... Smith...
It's Mr Smith's address, although Mr Smith is not directly involved
Because of an impending legal matter, we need this to happen within a certain time frame
- On an expedited basis - You're in a rush
We're not in a rush Mr Smith is
Sh... Sh... Sh... She won't... She won't suffer, will she?
Not unless you pay extra
Oh, I've been workin' on the railroad
All the livelong day
I've been workin' on the railroad
Just to pass the time away
Can't you hear the whistle blowing
Rise up so early in the morn Toot-toot!
Whistle's goin' "toot-toot"
What's the matter, Rexie?
Hello?
Yes, he's here One moment, please
Miles
It's for you
Hello? Yes?
What?
I see
My God
- What? - That was Marvin Untermeyer
He was Rex Rexroth's personal attorney
Yes?
What do you mean, he was?
Rex had a massive coronary in the middle of a business meeting
He's dead
Well, I'm very sorry to hear that,
but you two weren't close, were you?
Marvin said that Rex's will was four years old Never redrafted it
He was stinkin'rich Yes?
Everything goes to Marylin
She's not poor She's richer than you
She is exposed No prenup She's a sitting duck
She's a sitting duck Can't kill her No need Mm-hmm
No It would be pointless She's exposed It's pointless
Exposed Why kill the only woman you've ever loved when she's the richer party?
She's rich And I love her Don't need to kill her
Ah What? Ah!
You've reached WheezyJoe What do you want? Joe!
Hi, it's Miles Smith... Mr Smith... calling to say
on behalf of myself, that it is... No-go
uh, no-go concerning Marylin
I'm speaking with no knowledge This is what Mr Smith wants
This is what I want
I am Mr Smith Thank you
That was good
- You think I'm protected? - Ehh... You...
Am I protected? I think it would hold up
- Marylin - Yes, yes Marylin
- What do we do? What if he's on his way there? - Yes Oh!
- If he's on his way there... - Oh, no! Marylin!
Get her out and buy some time Buy some time!
Hello?
Marylin, you must leave the house immediately
It's imperative that you leave the house Hello, Miles
- Hello, dear - Now, Miles, pending final settlement,
you know that I'm entitled to use the house No, no, no! You don't understand!
It's an emergency! An emergency!
What is it? I forgot that I left the gas main on, which leaks!
- Good gosh That sounds dangerous - It's a deadly, odorless, colorless,
"liquid-less" gas that... that attacks the central nervous system
and causes diarrhea and facial tics!
Okay All right Well, thanks for calling, Miles Okay Bye-bye
I think she bought it
So, tell me
who sent you?
Mr Smith
Is this Mr Smith?
No
That's his lawyer
Whatever they're paying you, I'll double
What now? We wait for WheezyJoe We tell him it's a no-go
Careful Rottweilers
Looks like she's gone Looks like she bought it
Good stuff There's no one here Except for the rottweilers
Sure Rottweilers
You go that way
WheezyJoe?
WheezyJoe, thank God you're in time
You're not in time We're in time Thank God we're in time
Look, it's a no-go You get it? No one need be the wiser, so you can just go on home
Good-bye You know, thank you so much
Hear that? Okay? No, no No, no No, no
No-go No contract It's off It's...
Will you explain to the lunkhead that it's a no-go? No-go It's a no-go
We'll settle your contract later Look, you're fired, pal Let it go Walk away
- Golden parachute - Don't let the screen door hit you Does he speak any language?
Here's what happened, Mr Carnera We feel that...
Wait, wait, wait, wait
Wheezy! Uh...
Told him it was a no-go
Gentlemen Freddy
- Hello, Marylin - Hello, Miles
- This is where we first met, remember? - Of course I remember
It's hard to believe that when you walk out that door today, you'll be walking out of my life forever
It's not something I wanted either
But, then, I guess
something inside of me died
when I realized that you'd hired a goon to kill me
Wait a minute You hired him to kill me No Both of you wait a minute
- Nobody hired anyone to kill anyone - Hear, hear
Apparently, from what I can gather, a burglar broke into your house
Miles's house Whatever!
A burglar broke in intending to loot the place, uh, repented,
became despondent over his lifestyle and shot himself
- So where does that leave you and me? - Well, we've outlined a settlement
We think it's very generous My client is prepared to consider a reconciliation
But how could I trust you, Miles, after all this?
See, that's exactly right The point is... You wounded me first, Marylin
I'm not proud of what I've done, but God knows, I did trust you once
If you couldjust... just give us another chance
Well, if you'll pardon me here, but I think my client is well beyond the point of considering...
How could I ever trust you again? I mean, really trust you, Miles?
Marylin, there is nothing in the Massey prenup that says
it can't be executed after the parties wed
Well, if this, uh, indeed is a Massey prenup,
and a cursory examination tends to support that it is, then...
Oh, my God, Marylin You're exposed
Marylin
Counselor! Freddy!
Freddy! Come on, Freddy! No fair!
Freddy!
Did you hear something? Only the patter of little lawyers' feet
Where did you find Howard?
The actor? From a TV producer
I think you know him I gave him an idea for a new show, so he made me a partner
I guess that means I'm a partner I guess it does
And what exactly is it we're partners in?
Who gets what and who gets who?
You'll find out on America's Funniest Divorce Videos
Here's the star of our show, Gus Petch!
You goddamn right, folks I'm Gus Petch
And we got a great show for ya We gon' make you laugh We gon' make you cry
- But most of all, we gon' nail yo'... - Ass!
Nail your ass! Nail your ass!
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